So recently I decided to never diet again. It's been pretty awesome. Along with this goes the decision that I am not going to ever again consciously try to lose weight--I am going to let my body be, fat or not. This is a difficult decision to make in our current culture, and though I have some supportive friends, they all have their own body issues. So I turned to the internet for guidance. Now this sounds shady, but I have found some amazing teachers. Like this woman. And this one. And this one. I frequent these blogs, read the comments. And though it is a sad excuse for a real community of people with whom I can physically connect, it is such a relief to know there are people out there in the world who aren't waiting to do amazing things until they lose weight. People who are working hard to accept and honor their bodies the way they are now and not 30 pounds from now. When I think about the years of struggle, the numerous diets I tried, all the times I exercised because I thought it would make me thin, or ate a Boca Burger because it had less calories than the Morning Star brand, all the times I ate frozen yogurt when I wanted ice cream, all the times I let members of my family lecture me about my weight... What did I want all that time? I wanted to be happy. I wanted people to love me. And I thought the only way to do that was to be thin.
And lucky for me, I was so wrong.
I got pretty skinny the year before last. Well maybe not skinny, but thinner than I had been since middle school. And no lie it was AWESOME. I could shop in normal stores, I bought a cute bathing suit, I would run into people I hadn't seen in a while, and they would tell me how good I looked, or, better yet, not even recognize me. And then recognize me. And then tell me how good I looked.
And what's funny is the more people tell you you look good the more YOU think you look good. Well, for a while anyways. For about 3 months I thought I was the most attractive person in the whole effing world. And then, I didn't. After those 3 months it was status quo. I remember I would wake up the morning after a big meal convinced I'd gained weight overnight and would be shocked to find my pants still fit.
Then I hurt my shoulder. Then I got pretty depressed. Then I stopped doing Yoga. And then my pants really didn't fit.
It felt like a death sentence. Back to the plus-size. Back to the old lady swimsuits. Back to hoping no one would look at me, let alone recognize me. I thought I had failed. Failed so deeply.
But lucky for me, I was still wrong.
Another funny thing: the whole time I was shopping in normal stores, buying cute bathing suits, having people so happy to see me, I never thought the problem was outside myself. I was thinking, FINALLY I earned all this. Finally I deserve this because finally I am thin enough to be loved. I never for one minute thought the problem was with the stores that didn't carry my size in regular clothes, let alone bathing suits, or that people would be excited to see me whether or not I'd lost weight because people like me (oh, surprise, Deborah!).
And then, after a couple years of therapy, and reading the blogs of the ladies above, and discovering online stores that carry beautiful clothes in my size and buying myself (probably too many) of those clothes that fit my body right then/now, and reading Linda Bacon's (yes, that is her real name ) Health at Every Size (which I'm pretty sure every person in the world should read) twice, I decided my body and I were okay. I wasn't gonna fight her anymore. I was gonna let her do her thing.
This means acknowledging that fat people (including myself) can (and probably should) do the following:
1) Wear clothes they like. Even if they are "unflattering." Like skinny jeans. I am going to buy some. Because I kind of want to show off my chunky legs. Because lately, I am KIND OF into them.
2) Move joyfully, whether it be dance, yoga, hiking, biking or having sex. I suppose there are other things a person can do to have fun, but those seem like the best ones to me.
3) Have sex with people who think your body is rockin. Just as it is. And then, when he/she tells you he/she thinks your body is rockin, stop fucking arguing with him/her. Even in your own mind. Accept it. YOU. ARE. HOT.
There are other things a person can do, but to be honest those are really the only three I care about. I want to be able to dress cute, dance around like an idiot, and have sex. Is that so much to ask? I think not.
Not to say everyone shouldn't have these things. Not to say EVERY PERSON is not deserving of some good body lovin'. Every person is. Fat or thin or whatever. It's just that fat people got a bad rep. Everyone hates their body (or so it seems) it's just that it's socially acceptable to hate fat people's bodies in addition to your own. And to be honest I think THAT is the epidemic NOT obesity. What about focusing on how almost every woman in America hates her body, instead of focusing on finding more ways for her to judge her body from a younger and younger age? You heard me, Michelle Obama.
So maybe some men won't be attracted to me. And there are some people who are going to try to tell me I am unhealthy. And there are some people who will continue to cringe when I call myself fat, not as an insult but as a simple description of my own body. And there will be people who will look at me and assume I never move, and that I eat cake everyday (which I kind of do, so I guess that would be an adequate judgment). But who's problem is that? Oh, yeah. NOT MINE.
To celebrate this I would like the share the following pictures of fat people doing cool things/having cool hair.
And this woman is an awesome ballroom dancer.
This woman has pink hair. (WHY DON'T I HAVE PINK HAIR?!?!?)
No sex pictures. Though I found some. And no, it's not porn. It's this (NOT WORK APPROPRIATE).
I don't have pink hair cause it's expensive. And cause it would fade and then what would I be left with? Pepto-Bismol hair. Not. Cool.
And I just learned how to link things on here. It wasn't hard. But I feel so tech savvy.