Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Keep Calm and Wear a Tutu: Deb Loves MAC as much as she loves Bright Colors

I don't yet have any concrete rules about what makes an outfit blog worthy. I decided today was a good day because I had planned to go to Zumba with Travis and wanted photo documentation that I looked cute today even after I became a sweaty beast.

But here's the thing I realized friends: MAC. MAKEUP. IS. AMAZING.

While changing back into my work clothes from my sweaty work out clothes I realized my eye make up was still ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. I was astounded as I was SWEATING BALLS in that class. 

Beautiful, no?

No lie, friends, this is EXACTLY what it looked like this morning. And even though none of you were asking I MUST give you my not-so-secret secrets.

I use "Bare Canvas," meaning I can make my eye lids whatever color I want. My go-to eyeshadow is "Naked Lunch" with some fun color in the crease. Today it is a combination of of "Shimmermoss," "Masquerade" and "Honesty."

When I started wearing makeup with regularity about a month ago I was using an angle brush to apply black eye shadow ("Carbon") as eyeliner. This looked great until around 2pm when half the eye shadow would have relocated to just below my lower lashes, giving me the appearance of a crack whore. So I revisited an old favorite. Fluidline is a paint-like liner that you also apply with an angle brush (though I am lusting after an eyeliner brush). The one drawback is that you pretty much HAVE to wash the brush every time you use it, or else you can't apply a thin enough line. This was obnoxious until I discovered MAC's waterless brush cleaner. SHEER BRILLIANCE.

If MAC ever discontinues this mascara I will end my own life. It is the most expensive mascara I've ever owned in my entire life ($19... that's like 3 Chipotle burritos), but the most amazing. I think my eyelashes look borderline fake once it is applied.

To make a short story long, I love MAC makeup. But onto the clothes...


Turquoise Sweater : Ralph Lauren, courtesy of Marshalls ($15)
Yellow Top: Old Navy ($10)
Brown Skirt: Good Will ($5)
Purple Tights: Lane Bryant ($5)
Boots: Famous Footwear ($50 2 years ago?)

I am also wearing these lovely koi earrings which were a gift from my dear friend Leslie. Koi fish are apparently a symbol of beauty (Holla).


And then my tried and true antique typewriter "D" necklace. I bought this years ago off of Etsy, right as I was beginning to really enjoy my body and myself. Whenever I put it on I associate it with proudly proclaiming, 

"I am Deb. I am ME!!!!!"

One time I thought I lost this necklace, and I. LOST. MY. SH*T. LIKE. WHOA. 
Luckily I found it, or the world might have ended right then and there and then I wouldn't even HAVE a style section in my little blog.

A scary thought for us all, I'm sure.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Keep Calm and Wear a Tutu: Fun in Home Depot in My Summeriest Dress

On Sunday it was 63 degrees when I left the house, so I decided to bring summer back with my favortiest summeriest dress. I meant to have my dear Nickers take a picture of me frolicking along the rolling grass of Cupcake Hill (aka Larz Anderson Park) but I was so distracted by the joy of sitting on a blanket with the person equivalent of my favortiest dress, eating a pumpkin whoopie pie on a beautiful fall day, that I forgot about taking pictures until we were in Home Depot.

With this metal crown I name myself the Emperor of Home Improvement!!!!

Crown: Home Depot ($20?? I don't know. I didn't actually buy it).
Long-Sleeved V-Neck: Tellos ($10? Maybe? I bought it like a year ago and $10 sounds kind of steep for Tellos.)
Dress: Lord and Taylor ($110. It's one of the things I charged early in the summer, so whenever I am struggling with buying food, I think on this dress and it sustains me. Not really, but wouldn't that be nice?)
Clogs: Born, courtesy of Marshalls like 5 years ago ($40)

Here's a confession. Everytime I think about this dress I wish I owned cowboy boots to go with it. Sadly, cowboy boots aren't really in the budget so I have doctored the picture using SnagIt.

My photoshopping skills are CLEARLY unparalelled. I am practically a graphic designer.

 MAN that dress is cute. Even without the air duct crown and "photoshopped" boots.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Living Within My Means

For those of you who haven't talked to me in a while (and it would have to be a long while since this particular issue has been rather prominently on my mind for quite some time) I have completely stopped using my credit cards. They are tucked safely away in an envelope in Soul Twin's desk where, barring espionage, they can only be obtained with the explanation of some very logical reason why I would need them. Hence, I have embarked on a rather interesting adventure called, "Living Within My Means."

I feel as though I must first explain to you a bit about my financial history. My parents can never make enough money. Meaning that no matter how much they make they never seem to have enough. My father is compulsive in his spending habits, a behavior which vexes my mom, but often complains about having to go on trips to various family members' birthday parties and weddings. My brother makes almost no money but also has no bills. He still wears the same shorts my mom bought him from the good will probably 10 years ago, and when his jeans become too worn he makes them into jean shorts. He owns less and spends less than any human being I've ever met in my whole life. Well, any human being who isn't homeless. 

I got my first credit card in college. I thought, "HEY! Almost Free money!" I would put small purchases on the card; I would pay them back. Then I wanted bigger and bigger things. So I would charge them. Then I couldn't pay them back. So I accrued thousands of dollars in debt. At the end of my senior year of college my dad lent me the money to pay it off, and I paid him back by selling my car before moving to Boston. Then I went to grad school. I lived in dorm housing and then an apartment in the Back Bay. I took out extra loans so I could have more financial "security" (a.k.a. live beyond my means with money that wasn't from a credit card), and yet, even then, I used my credit cards. I graduated from grad school, got my first full-time job, and the first 6 months I couldn't BELIEVE how much money I made. And then I started the loan payments, which I couldn't pay and buy food. So I deferred half of them for 5 years. And then I maxed out my credit cards. Since then I have vacillated between paying them off in huge chunks, and then using the available balance to buy more shit. When I ran out of "real" money it was all right, because I could always afford to take myself out to a nice dinner or buy myself a new purse to ease the pain of my financial stupidity. Then I went on a 6 month spending spree, bought myself a new wardrobe. Then I remembered that in March of 2012 I HAVE to start paying the other half of my student loans. And then it was a month ago. And I now have a whole bunch of clothes, and a renewed sense of my own debt.  So I put myself on a payment plan, gave my credit cards to Soul Twin, all the while thinking, "How hard can this be?"

I would never have said I was addicted to spending money. But now that I must do it in this calculated way, I find that I, in fact, was. The buying of new things, of clothes, of food, it distracted me from my life. A brief feeling of exhilaration, of newness. A feeling that (as I mentioned in my blog about the coat) I would finally be able to be the person I always wanted. Because the person I always wanted to be could have everything she wanted all the time (as though any person really has that luxury).

What I'm saying is, it's so hard to let that go. Because it means I will never get to be that person.

Up until 6 months ago, I dreamed of what it would be like to be thin. I would be able to buy clothes I liked, men would want to date me, I would find the perfect job, I would be able to do a handstand in Yoga class, I would know what I wanted from my life, my dad wouldn't have any guilt, my mom would be happy. It seems so silly to say these things, but I honestly thought if I could be thin, my entire world would be at rights. 

So when I decided I wasn't going to actively try to be thin anymore, and when I decided I was going to instead try to love my body just as it was and is, I was agreeing to accept that all those ideals I had for myself and my life were as impossible as the thinness. 

The bottom line is that no matter how much our consumerist culture wants us to believe otherwise, no one thing will make the business of being a human being in the world any easier. No amount of thinness, or Chipotle burritos, or coats, or skirts can change the fact that there is struggle and that some experiences are pain beyond comprehension. I'm not saying there isn't joy, or even that we shouldn't take joy from having things. But where joy is the truest has nothing to do with physicality, at least not in the way of ownership.

And there is also joy in this surrender. As I let go of the unattainable ideals, I am able to actually sit with myself, to take stock of what I want, what I can do, to take the limitation that is my life and my past, and take my little broken pieces and make them into something I can love right now.
As I relinquish the ideals I have held so long in terms of how my life looks, I start to realize the beauty of things that are unseen and the value of that which costs nothing. 

That sounds so lame and so cliche, but I feel at a loss to express what it is to be faced with my actual life, to express what it feels like to find relief from the burden of impossible desires. It sounds like I've found God or something, but I promise I haven't. These burdens have not been taken away. I have just found relief from the struggle in the struggle. If that makes any sense at all.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Keep Calm and Wear A Tutu: Flowery Shirt from the Good Will (The Beginning of a Blog Within a Blog)

I've been talking about starting a blog of my outfits for about a month now. The reasons are 3-fold.

1) So that I can get free clothes sent to me from distributors.
I read many fat style blogs, and they always talk about getting sent clothes to review. 

Well, I want that to be me.

Dear eShakti, ASOS, Lucie Lu and others, please send me free clothes and I will tell my almost 40 readers how awesome those clothes are, I promise!!

2) Because I'm pretty proud of the outfits I've been putting together.
As I mentioned in my blog about skirts I used to love to dress up. And then I learned to hate my body so I dressed like crap so no one would look at me. And now I've learned to love it again, and I think I look pretty darn cute on any given day, and I want to share that cuteness with the WORLD!

3) Because I am learning to love pictures of myself at my current weight.
I decided on this final reason just last week when Jan took a picture of me sitting on top of a statue that looked like a butt.

After having a mini freakout, I decided the following: I look fat in photos because I am fat. And, in my opinion, one of the best ways to accept and love my fat body is to take full body shots of my fat body in cute clothes, often doing ridiculous things like perching ladylike atop a statue that looks like a butt.

I promise that I will still love things and write about all sorts of feelings on this blog as well. And even if you care not a lick about clothes, you can enjoy looking at pictures of me being cute. And if you don't enjoy looking at pictures of me being cute then EFF YOUR FACE.

But seriously. No offense taken. 
Today's outfit features a tunic style top I purchased from the good will while shopping with my friend Elizabeth, paired with some awesome leggings. Ladies at my work are always talking about things they can't wear because they are too old or their bodies aren't good enough. But I decided to listen to Jane Pratt and "DO THIS DON'T." Maybe fat people shouldn't wear leggings as pants. 

Here's the Dets...
Flowery Top: Good Will ($5)
Leggings: Macy's ($22)
Booties: Lane Bryant (on sale for $35)
Yellow Necklace (and joy of my soul): Some antique shop in Dorchester ($1)

No lie, friends. When I look at this outfit I am AMAZED BY THE CUTE. I wonder, is that even me? And then I am overjoyed to remember that YES!! IT IS ME!!!!

What? You can't see my butt in this photo? Worry not.

And here's a close up just in case.

Hells to the Yes.

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Hair Today

I have not washed my hair in 4 days. I did not feel like washing it this morning. 
In an effort to conceal this fact I made my hair look like this:

And now I may never wash my hair again.