Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Bachelor(ette)

Don't judge me. All right you can, because I am judging myself. I started watching the Bachelor(ette) during this lady's season a year ago. Meet Ali.

I think this picture is absolutely hilarious. I feel like it sums up Ali's season perfectly. She kept yelling about how she gave up everything to be there: her job, her apartment. All to find love. Oh, Ali. You are so noble. Lucky for her she snatched up this tasty gem after washing away the mascara stained tears she shed over Rated-R Justin and Unemployed Frank.

Now Ali was annoying. And even though every time she cried (which was a lot) I threw up in my mouth a little, I was rooting for her. And she and Roberto seem to really like each other. And also, I could NEVER HAVE KNOWN the obnoxiousness which was on it's way in the form of this woman.

Now please keep in mind that in between Ali and Ashley's seasons was Brad Womack, who was Bacheloring on the show for a SECOND TIME because the FIRST TIME he picked NO ONE. Brad was dumber than a sack of rocks. Could anyone be stupider than him? Oh yes. Please reference the above picture.

But let's be real here. The reason I love this asinine show is that, like any self-respecting pseudo intellectual, I love to watch people make fools of themselves. Back when Jan and I had standard cable I would watch all those REALLY TERRIBLE Vh1 shows--Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I love New York, I love New York 2, I love New York 3, Rock of Love Bus. I even watched The Pick-Up Artist but that was too much even for me. Mostly cause that show wasn't funny. It was just sad. So, so sad. When the guys got make-overs they were transformed from normal looking guys guys to giant douchebags. One time, the head douchebag gave one of the douchebags-in-training a boa to wear to the club. Cause that's what lady's love. Getting picked up by d-bags wearing feather boas. 

But The Bachelorette.

Ashley Hebert is 23 years old. She is a supreme idiot. She also weighs about 60 lbs. I am not hating on people who are 5' tall and weigh 60 lbs. I mean, she clearly works out a lot. She doesn't look unhealthy. She's a dancer. Though I maintain she isn't that great, and, let me tell you, I seem to be the only person who thinks this. But these are not the things that make her a supreme idiot.

So her friend texts her and says, "Bitch, please, Bentley is a douche." Before the show even starts. So then she meets Bentley and decides he's cute. Then, after 3 weeks in real person time, or 2 weeks in Bachelorette time (meaning she's probably spent a whole of 20 minutes with the dude) she decides she's in love with him. ALL THE WHILE, during his confessionals, he is talking about how he's not into her, how he wishes Emily had been the Bachelorette, how he thinks she has a great body and he'd let her tickle his balls but he isn't really into her and blah blah blah.

Are you still reading? 

Probably not.

So Bentley leaves the show under the rouse of missing his daughter when really he just doesn't want to be there anymore (OR SO HE SAYS). Cue the confession that Ashley loved him. That he was her guy. That she feels alone in the Rose Ceremonies without him. Cue Ashley crying. Over. And Over. And Over again. BECAUSE OF A DUDE SHE KNEW FOR 20 MINUTES.

Supreme. Idiot.


If I were the Bachelorette I would ONLY NEED ONE ROSE. And I would give it to Chris Harrington. Chris Harringbone. Chris Cunningham.

As a side note, my boss is making train sounds in his office.

I. Love. My. Life.

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy to read about your boss making train sounds. I have a unique understanding of what that sounds like, since he used to be my boss, too. :)