The Fatkini

Last summer, after I got back to my normal weight, I was left in a predicament. Namely, that much of my wardrobe didn't fit. I mean, I was fine with day to day clothes: jeans, shirts, skirts, dresses, etc, but, as a family reunion in Florida loomed, I found myself without a rather essential wardrobe piece--a bathing suit. Finding clothes I liked, both online and in stores had proved a somewhat pleasing, although often times daunting, task so I assumed bathing suit shopping would be the same.

It was not.

First of all, my breasts are big. Like REAL big. As a side note they are also awesome. They also have no real... lift,  you might say, on their own, so whatever bathing suit I was going to buy would need to have either a built-in bra, or really, really resilient straps.

Also, it couldn't be a halter, because I have neck problems and having the entire weight of my pendulous breasts resting on my neck would be a recipe for sublaxation and pain.

Also, I didn't want a one piece.

Also, I didn't want it to be ugly OR look like it was designed for someone over the age of 70.

Also, I didn't want it to squeeze my chubby belly like a stuffed sausage.

I suppose I must also mention that never in my life, since this little two piece that my mom bought me when I was 4, had I ever owned a swimsuit I really liked until the summer of 2009. It was teal and stripey and glorious AND had a built in bra. And I had been spoiled. I had seen the light. I had owned a swimsuit I loved, and I was NEVER GOING BACK.

About $600 and probably 15 swimsuits later, I stopped trying to order a bathing suit online and decided to brave some stores. This was a bad idea. At one point, while in a Sears dressing room trying on as many swimsuits as possible before the store closed in 15 minutes and on the verge of tears, I said to my Hetero, "I look better naked." Which I did. And do. I would deign to say that MOST people look better naked than covered in that weird, shiny, stretchy material they use to make bathing suits.

After pretty much giving up, I stumbled on a swimsuit at Target which I didn't hate (nor love) and which was reasonably priced. I purchased it then and there, wore it in Florida, and got a wicked sunburn. Wins all around. Then, as though a gift from heaven in the middle of winter, I found a $20 (originally $120!) swimsuit I legitimately loved while purchasing a puffer vest on LandsEnd.com. I returned the Puffer Vest (cause it looked so dumb on me) but kept the swimsuit, a tankini composed of a light blue and white top and a sunshine yellow bottom. It looks a LITTLE BIT like my butt is jaundiced, but the fact that I finally owned a swimsuit which fit me, was pretty, didn't squeeze my belly, AND wasn't black felt like a miracle. And I was perfectly happy with my winter purchase until I discovered the Fatkini.

This is Chastity Garner, my VERY FAVORITEST style blogger (except Zoe).

Chastity is the queen of alterations so actually make this fatkini from a Monif C one-piece bathing suit.

She is sporting what the fat-o-sphere calls a fatkini. It is what you call a bikini when a fat person is wearing it, and I WANT ONE.

But since this decade is the decade where I really take hold of my finances I will not be buying one until it seems fiscally responsible (maybe one of them will eventually be on sale for $20 in the middle of the winter). That does not stop me from sharing my favorites with you here.

Domino Dollhouse's Retro Doll Bikini: 

I love Domino Dollhouse. The styles I love are like punk rock meets Mad Men. Also they sell petticoats in EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW.
 

Now there is no possible way my breasts would be held up by that tiny string, but this bathing suit is HAWT. I love the ruffles on the legs, the little tie, and the color. I wish they sold it in more extended sizes though. I bet even the bigger big ladies want to get their Retro Doll on!

SimplyBe's Beach to Beach Bikini Top and Bottom:

I have yet to order anything from SimplyBe, but I think this bathing suit it AMAZING. I am including a photo of Gabi from Gabifresh because I think she looks about 50 times more awesome in that fatkini than the model from the website. SimplyBe also has some more traditional bikinis if that's your jam.

Monif C's Sao Paulo High Waisted Bikini:

I am not normally a fan of Leopard Print but holy mother I would wear that in a hot ten seconds.

Monif C also has a TEAL one-piece bathing suit covered in FRINGE. Not super practical, but awesome all the same.

Think you are too fat to wear a bikini? Gabi (pictured above in her awesome stripey fatkini) started a Fatkini photo project on xojane! I've now scrolled through every photo twice and all I have to say is TAKE THAT HATERS!!!

Keep Calm and Wear a Tutu: Deb Loves MAC as much as she loves Bright Colors

I don't yet have any concrete rules about what makes an outfit blog worthy. I decided today was a good day because I had planned to go to Zumba with Travis and wanted photo documentation that I looked cute today even after I became a sweaty beast.

But here's the thing I realized friends: MAC. MAKEUP. IS. AMAZING.

While changing back into my work clothes from my sweaty work out clothes I realized my eye make up was still ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. I was astounded as I was SWEATING BALLS in that class. 

Beautiful, no?

No lie, friends, this is EXACTLY what it looked like this morning. And even though none of you were asking I MUST give you my not-so-secret secrets.

MAC Paint: 

I use "Bare Canvas," meaning I can make my eye lids whatever color I want. My go-to eyeshadow is "Naked Lunch" with some fun color in the crease. Today it is a combination of of "Shimmermoss," "Masquerade" and "Honesty."

MAC Fluidline:

When I started wearing makeup with regularity about a month ago I was using an angle brush to apply black eye shadow ("Carbon") as eyeliner. This looked great until around 2pm when half the eye shadow would have relocated to just below my lower lashes, giving me the appearance of a crack whore. So I revisited an old favorite. Fluidline is a paint-like liner that you also apply with an angle brush (though I am lusting after an eyeliner brush). The one drawback is that you pretty much HAVE to wash the brush every time you use it, or else you can't apply a thin enough line. This was obnoxious until I discovered MAC's waterless brush cleaner. SHEER BRILLIANCE.

MAC Haute and Naughty Mascara:

If MAC ever discontinues this mascara I will end my own life. It is the most expensive mascara I've ever owned in my entire life ($19... that's like 3 Chipotle burritos), but the most amazing. I think my eyelashes look borderline fake once it is applied.

To make a short story long, I love MAC makeup. But onto the clothes...

DEB AS AN EASTER EGG.

Turquoise Sweater : Ralph Lauren, courtesy of Marshalls ($15)

Yellow Top: Old Navy ($10)

Brown Skirt: Good Will ($5)

Purple Tights: Lane Bryant ($5)

Boots: Famous Footwear ($50 2 years ago?)

 

I am also wearing these lovely koi earrings which were a gift from my dear friend Leslie. Koi fish are apparently a symbol of beauty (Holla).

 

And then my tried and true antique typewriter "D" necklace. I bought this years ago off of Etsy, right as I was beginning to really enjoy my body and myself. Whenever I put it on I associate it with proudly proclaiming, 

"I am Deb. I am ME!!!!!"

One time I thought I lost this necklace, and I. LOST. MY. SH*T. LIKE. WHOA. 

Luckily I found it, or the world might have ended right then and there and then I wouldn't even HAVE a style section in my little blog.

A scary thought for us all, I'm sure.

Keep Calm and Wear a Tutu: Fun in Home Depot in My Summeriest Dress

On Sunday it was 63 degrees when I left the house, so I decided to bring summer back with my favortiest summeriest dress. I meant to have my dear Nickers take a picture of me frolicking along the rolling grass of Cupcake Hill (aka Larz Anderson Park) but I was so distracted by the joy of sitting on a blanket with the person equivalent of my favortiest dress, eating a pumpkin whoopie pie on a beautiful fall day, that I forgot about taking pictures until we were in Home Depot.

With this metal crown I name myself the Emperor of Home Improvement!!!!

Crown: Home Depot ($20?? I don't know. I didn't actually buy it).

Long-Sleeved V-Neck: Tellos ($10? Maybe? I bought it like a year ago and $10 sounds kind of steep for Tellos.)

Dress: Lord and Taylor ($110. It's one of the things I charged early in the summer, so whenever I am struggling with buying food, I think on this dress and it sustains me. Not really, but wouldn't that be nice?)

Clogs: Born, courtesy of Marshalls like 5 years ago ($40)

Here's a confession. Everytime I think about this dress I wish I owned cowboy boots to go with it. Sadly, cowboy boots aren't really in the budget so I have doctored the picture using SnagIt.

My photoshopping skills are CLEARLY unparalelled. I am practically a graphic designer.

 MAN that dress is cute. Even without the air duct crown and "photoshopped" boots.

Keep Calm and Wear A Tutu: Flowery Shirt from the Good Will (The Beginning of a Blog Within a Blog)

I've been talking about starting a blog of my outfits for about a month now. The reasons are 3-fold.

1) So that I can get free clothes sent to me from distributors.
I read many fat style blogs, and they always talk about getting sent clothes to review. 

Well, I want that to be me.

Dear eShakti, ASOS, Lucie Lu and others, please send me free clothes and I will tell my almost 40 readers how awesome those clothes are, I promise!!

2) Because I'm pretty proud of the outfits I've been putting together.
As I mentioned in my blog about skirts I used to love to dress up. And then I learned to hate my body so I dressed like crap so no one would look at me. And now I've learned to love it again, and I think I look pretty darn cute on any given day, and I want to share that cuteness with the WORLD!

3) Because I am learning to love pictures of myself at my current weight.

I decided on this final reason just last week when Jan took a picture of me sitting on top of a statue that looked like a butt.

After having a mini freakout, I decided the following: I look fat in photos because I am fat. And, in my opinion, one of the best ways to accept and love my fat body is to take full body shots of my fat body in cute clothes, often doing ridiculous things like perching ladylike atop a statue that looks like a butt.

I promise that I will still love things and write about all sorts of feelings on this blog as well. And even if you care not a lick about clothes, you can enjoy looking at pictures of me being cute. And if you don't enjoy looking at pictures of me being cute then EFF YOUR FACE.

But seriously. No offense taken. 

 

Today's outfit features a tunic style top I purchased from the good will while shopping with my friend Elizabeth, paired with some awesome leggings. Ladies at my work are always talking about things they can't wear because they are too old or their bodies aren't good enough. But I decided to listen to Jane Pratt and "DO THIS DON'T." Maybe fat people shouldn't wear leggings as pants. 

BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD.

Here's the Dets...

Flowery Top: Good Will ($5)

Leggings: Macy's ($22)

Booties: Lane Bryant (on sale for $35)

Yellow Necklace (and joy of my soul): Some antique shop in Dorchester ($1)

No lie, friends. When I look at this outfit I am AMAZED BY THE CUTE. I wonder, is that even me? And then I am overjoyed to remember that YES!! IT IS ME!!!!

What? You can't see my butt in this photo? Worry not.

And here's a close up just in case.

Hells to the Yes.

Things Deb Doesn't Love: Obsessing Over Things

I don't mean obsessing over something worth obsessing over. One might say I am obsessed with Heath at Every Size, or that I am obsessed with how awesome my friends are, or that I am obsessed with Diane and Heather's wedding and how awesome it is going to be or that I am obsessed with chunky, bearded guys. I freely and happily admit I am obsessed with these things. 

It's when I get obsessed with actual thing-things that I start to get... well... insane. And hence worried.

Recent obsession: this jacket.

Here are the reasons I am in love with this jacket: I have only owned 2 items in khaki my whole life: two pairs of ill-fitting pants I had to wear while I worked at Starbucks. Those pants, by the time my tenure at Starbucks was (thank god) finished were covered in coffee and tear stains. Coffee, from, well, the coffee, and tears from the times I would cry because my manager would tell me I needed to make the coffee drinks faster. Eventually I did. And by "made coffee drinks faster" I mean I made up coffee drinks. I had/have no clue what was supposed to go in half the drinks I made, so I just put in whatever struck my fancy. This was not a good Starbucks career move. They gave me fewer and fewer shifts until I just quit. 

But back to khaki. Whenever Soul Twin wears her khaki trench coat I think, "She looks so classy!" But every time I try on a khaki trench coat and look in a mirror I think, "Well, this isn't me." But did you notice the ruffles? It's a KHAKI TRENCHCOAT WITH RUFFLES. And you know what's all over the back of the coat (which I can't figure out how to capture an image of)? MORE. RUFFLES. When I first saw this on the interwebz I thought, "Huh. I like that." So I emailed it to myself so I could look at it the next day. And then I looked at it the next day (being today), and I have become obsessed with this coat. Literally obsessed.

Let me explain.

I am so obsessed with this coat that I feel if I do not purchase it right now it will be a significant life loss. 

Like if I don't have some sort of guaruntee that this coat will be mine I. WILL. DIE.

Ridic.

Here's the thing: I have recently bought a lot of clothes. Like a lot. I have a spent a lot of money on those clothes. I have almost bankrupted myself buying clothes. And about a week ago, with $1.50 in my bank account (shameful, I know) and my credits cards safely out of my grasp I decided I had to be done buying clothes. Because it was either clothes or food. And I might be slightly addicted to buying dresses, but I also kind of need to eat. So yes, the coat is on sale for $35. But  I could buy a lot of eggs and sprouted grain bread and lentils and veggie sausage and coffee with that. And I can live without that coat, but I can't live without my coffee.

But the point of this post isn't to discuss why I should or shouldn't buy the coat. It's to explore this seemingly manic need I have for things and the belief that these things will change the very definition of who I am. As though if I had a ruffley, khaki trench coat I would have all the classiness of Soul Twin with the all the immature, silliness of myself. As though, if I can just have and wear that coat, I will be my best and truest self. It sounds silly to write this out. But in my gut, I feel it. If I can just look the right way, I will be the right way. I will be put together. Men will want me. Women will want to be me. If I can just have that stupid, ruffley trench coat.

I keep thinking of an early episode of Mad Men when Don Draper gets high with his mistress's hippy friends. When the friends find out he is in advertising, one of them says, "You make the lie. You invent want."

So, I could try to opt out of this want-inventing system. But the (terrifying) reality of the system is that it is inside of me. It is embedded in my psyche: if I can look a certain way, I will be that way. What else would explain a sickening feeling in my stomach when I think about not obtaining a silly coat (a feeling that, even as I prove the silliness of the want, I STILL WANT)? It is overwhelming. 

I have lately been trying to pay attention to what happens in my body before I act compulsively, whether it regards food or coats or whatever. If it is something I do not, in my logical mind, need, how do I convince my huge feeling heart that I do not need it? A brownie or a coat or a new dress or new shoes or a new bike or whatever it may be. In my heart it FEELS like need. 

But it is not need.

Sometimes when I think of the things I want for my life, they are physical things: a condo in JP and children and husband and dog and all that. But sometimes, I just have to tell myself that what I want more than ANY one thing is to feel free from want. And contrary to what our culture would like us to believe, obtaining what we want does not free us from want.

Maybe in a moment of weakness I will buy that coat. And I will forgive myself and enjoy it and move forward if I do. But in the meantime, I will continue to remind myself that the only real freedom from want is truth and joy.

The Truth is that coat will not make my life everything I want it to be.

The Joy is the hope of someday having control over my compulsive behaviors.

And that, my friends, is how you overthink things.

The. End.

I am now going to complain about something really dumb.

So I love skirts/dresses/tights. I also love being hydrated. But the combination of the two is just not conducive to ease when it comes to peeing. For example, today I am wearing my new bird dress which I love. But it requires that I wear tights (as it's cold and rainy out today) as well as a slip so that the dress doesn't stick to the tights. Also my dress is made up of a long camisole dress type thing and then the chiffon-y dress part with the actual bird print (there are probably technical terms for all this crap that I don't know). In addition the actual dress part ties in the back which means there are strings dangling by my butt. All of this combined makes for a very difficult bathroom experience.

1) Lift slip and skirt

2) Get the tights down just enough so I don't pee on myself but not so much that I have to work hard to pull them up.

3) Pull the back of both skirts over my head so that the ties in the back don't fall in the toilet.

4) Do business without letting the skirts pulled over head also fall into toilet with ties.

5) Pull up underpants.

6) Work hard to pull up tights (even though you hardly pulled them down to avoid this).

7) Pull down and adjust slip.

8) Adjust long camisole thing.

9) Adjust actual bird dress.

And then do this every hour.

It is a choice I make, but is it obnoxious as hell.

The End.

Being Told I'm Beautiful By Strangers

Last night my glorious roommate and I had our first official roommate date. My friend Zoe had given us her BSO tickets to see YoYo Ma since Zoe was sick at home with a sinus infection, so Steph and I decided to make the most of it. We both came home from work, changed into some cute outfits, put on makeup. We even decided to drive into town and pay for parking so we could wear high heels (well worth it!!!). As we left the house I was thinking to myself, "We are the most attractive people in the world right now," a thought I haven't had in a while but a thought PenPen, Soul Twin and my Biscuit will remember well.

While walking down the stairs in the parking garage we ran into a woman who exclaimed, "You look so nice!" It took me a second to realize I didn't know her. She just wanted to shout about our beauty. Duh.

Now I've written about fat shaming, about cruel things that have been said to me by people I've never met. Another incident happened just the other night as I was riding my bike to my bike maintenance class. But for all the negative stranger experiences I've had many complimentary ones as well. 

It's picture story time!!

On my way to my darling Heidi's wedding a very handsome man kept smiling in my direction on the bus. As we exited the bus he caught up with me, just to say, "You are very pretty." And though I was already quite confident I looked amazing, it was nice of him to notice.

I was walking around a mall once when a woman stopped me to tell me I had beautiful eyes.

I was walking through Harvard Square when a woman stopped to ask me where I got my hair cut.

And then there was my magical JP day when a woman stopped me to comment on how great my new headband looked.

So yeah, sometimes dudes in cars/trucks can be super douches. But sometimes strangers can be/think I am lovely.

And today, well, I kind of agree with them.

Skirts

When I started kindergarten I refused to wear pants. I would only wear dresses with ruffles and full skirts. In fact if the skirt of a dress did not go STRAIGHT OUT when I twirled I would lose interest. 

In the end, my mom found it easier to just make me dresses since I refused to wear ANYTHING without a full skirt and ruffles. And the dresses she made... WHOOEY were they ruffley. Oh and they all had poof sleeves. That was the other thing. I. Loved. Poof. Sleeves.

When my brother Jeffrey got married I was 5, and I got to be the Flower Girl. The dress was purple satin with a huge, hot pink, ruffley, lace flounce on the back, and a HUGE pink satin bow. When I saw that dress I instantly pooped my pants with joy. I actually remember having heart palpitations I was so excited to wear it. And once I obtained that dress I wanted to wear it everyday. But of course I couldn't. Cause I spilled on my clothes as a child as much as a I now do as an adult. And there were no tidesticks in 1987. And I had to look nice for the wedding.

Anywho, in kindergarten I remember sitting on the slide and having a classmate of mine tell me I was the prettiest girl in the class. My response then: "I know." My response now: "Duh." With my curly hair and my green eyes and that gap in my teeth, twirling around in a pink dress with poofed sleeves covered in ruffles? Shut up. I was like the cutest child ever.

And then I developed body image problems. And I only wore over-sized t-shirts that I stole from my dad that more often than not had pictures of wolves screenprinted on them. I LOVED wolf t-shirts.

I probably would've pooped my pants over this shirt in middle school.

Well friends, we've gone full circle. I have recently re-discovered my love of skirts. I have decided, since I have grown out of most of my pants, that instead of buying more pants I am only going to buy skirts. Skirts and skirts only. Full skirts, pencil skirts, floral skirts, denim skirts. I don't give a crap as long as they make my butt look bangin or stick straight out when I twirl. AND I WILL BE TWIRLING. Also, I will be investing in brightly colored tights. And maybe some rainbow-stripe tights. And maybe some tie-dye tights.

Everyday I am adult. Everyday I pay my bills and go to work and drink my coffee and feed myself and brush my teeth and (sometimes) make my bed. I balance my checkbook and invest in relationships that are as difficult as they are rewarding. I struggle with my disordered eating and I struggle with my body image (both worthy struggles). So if I can dress like I did in kindergarten, if I can bring myself a little joy by ditching the concept of pants and by ONLY WEARING SKIRTS WITH RAINBOW TIGHTS I'm gonna do it.

Cause my office has almost no dress code. Booyah.

Things Deb Wants: Part 2

This dress makes me want to throw up I want it so much. I wish I had a friend who was my size so that I could make her buy it and then force her to lend it to me for an indeterminate amount of time. Like forever. And yes, I'm aware that's what a normal person would call a "gift."

I saw this tasty gem while in target with my Pamplemouse moms and aunt. Does it matter that I already have a coffee maker? No. No, it doesn't. I want this one. I want to keep it in my room. I don't even need to use it to make coffee. I just want to look at it. And sometimes carress it for it is so beautiful.

I also want a big, squashy arm chair to put in my room. Like a huge one. What's that you say? I don't have room for one? Well, I'd make room. Or I'd get rid of my bed.

But I will forgo purchasing all these things because I need this

So boring. But necessary. 

I wonder if they make night guards in turquoise...

I may or may not be calling my dentist right now.

Things Deb Wants: Part 1

So yesterday Soul Twin and I were in the car for a grand total of about 6 hours. This means we talked about feelings for 6 hours, so one would think I would have no more feelings to share. One would think wrong. To be honest when Sara dropped me off at my house I still felt like there was more to say. Good thing my Soul Twin and I have the g-chat. 

Soul twin recently shared with me this blog in which the author goes on a self-induced "spending fast." This means she spent no money on non-essentials (even things that I personally consider essential, such as going to the movies and expensive hair cuts) for an entire year! I am in awe of her. 

I recently went on a bit of a spending spree. My recent weight gain, paired with my new attitude about my RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME body resulted in the purchasing of almost an entirely new wardrobe. And even though many of the pieces were free (another shout out to Jan!) it was a lot of money spent.

Now since "Things Deb Loves" has recently become a place where I share ridiculously personal things with all you peops (to be hoenst I'm only surprised I was able to keep my deep feelings in for so long) I will share with you that I have often struggled with my finances. I am  not only an over-eater but an over-spender (oh surprise). And, if we are going to think of it in the very simplest of terms, they are for the same reason. I eat to feel good, and I spend to feel good. Well that and I spend because I'm lazy and don't want to cook, as evidenced by my love of bagged, un-organic Caesar salad. But laziness is not the point.

Now, every person is different, so my idea of what constitutes a necessity (i.e. haircuts with Leila, going to the movies with Nickers, yoga class etc.) is going to be different from anyone else's, but I feel like the exercise itself is so important. Separating what we need from what we want, I feel, can be invaluable. Well that and I have been in Credit Card debt since I became a legal adult and though Sallie Mae is forever I would like to be debt-free in some capacity at some point and the only way I'm going to be able to do that is by paying off that debt right? right.

So I began this exercise here at my desk. And all the sudden I felt overwhelmed with wanting things. So I thought I would share with you all the ridiculous and/or awesome things on which I would like to spend my money but from which I will refrain.

1) A Two-Day pass to the Newport Folk Festival.

 When I look at that lineup I literally shed a tear. 

2) A tutu.

Elizabeth sent me a link to a garage sale going on today where the woman is selling a purple tutu. So now I want one. Like a lot.

3) A wicker basket for my bicycle.

Yes, I know I already have a bike rack and panniers (panniers that are so awesome that a fellow bike rider told me she thought they were cute while I beamed with so much pride you might think I had stitched them myself), but I still want a wicker basket to put on the front. Because they look so cute and earthy! 

4) A dog that resembles a small bear

Sara and I met one in the parking lot of a liquor store yesterday. His owner told us he weighed 140lbs which is actually more than many of my friends weigh. You can imagine that when I saw him across the parking lot I wept with joy while sprinting to meet him and throw my arms around his hairy dog neck. 

As a side note, I would accept the following in lieu of said dog.

Okay, so I'd prefer the latter. But you can't really order Galifinakis online. Cause if you could I already would have. Duh.

Hot Pink Tights

Well, hello. 

It's been a while. And whose fault is that? I could blame this man for actually having me do work during the day.

But mostly it was this that was occupying most of my time.

And a lot of this...

BUT! I am back. And I love MORE. THINGS. THAN. EVER.

So, it's fall again. We bypassed most of spring and all of summer and it's fall. Lucky for me that according to the retail calendar is actually summer, so lots of glorious fall apparel is on sale. Hence my 5 DOLLAR PAIR OF PINK TIGHTS.

This picture does not exaggerate. That is how pink my tights are. They are so beautiful that I wish I were more flexible so I could lick my own legs. That sounds strange, but I don't care. If there were a candy as delicious as the color of these freaking tights I would eat it every day of my life. I am pretty sure that this pink is the color of my soul. I am pretty sure that anyone who sees me wearing these pink tights today will have their lives changed by their glory. 

There is only one problem with these tights.

There are two things I really hate in the world.

1. Spanx. 

I would rather be lumpy than have to wear those fucking things. Every time I wear them I take them off in 30 minutes. Because who wants their insides squashed by super tight elastic? NO ONE. Bring on the cellulite. Bring on the back fat. A misogynistic jerkwad invented Spanx and I refuse to ever give that jerkwad a penny of my money ever again.

2. Control Top pantyhose. 

They're like Spanx with feets. Somebody kill me. And yes, my hot pink tights have control top. Which annoys me. But I stretched them out this morning before putting them on and am hoping if I wear them long enough they will cease to control my top. MY TOP WANTS TO BE FREE.

As a side note, today I drank two large cups of coffee. My hands and eyeballs are shaking.

The. End.