Hot Pink Tights

Well, hello. 

It's been a while. And whose fault is that? I could blame this man for actually having me do work during the day.

But mostly it was this that was occupying most of my time.

And a lot of this...

BUT! I am back. And I love MORE. THINGS. THAN. EVER.

So, it's fall again. We bypassed most of spring and all of summer and it's fall. Lucky for me that according to the retail calendar is actually summer, so lots of glorious fall apparel is on sale. Hence my 5 DOLLAR PAIR OF PINK TIGHTS.

This picture does not exaggerate. That is how pink my tights are. They are so beautiful that I wish I were more flexible so I could lick my own legs. That sounds strange, but I don't care. If there were a candy as delicious as the color of these freaking tights I would eat it every day of my life. I am pretty sure that this pink is the color of my soul. I am pretty sure that anyone who sees me wearing these pink tights today will have their lives changed by their glory. 

There is only one problem with these tights.

There are two things I really hate in the world.

1. Spanx. 

I would rather be lumpy than have to wear those fucking things. Every time I wear them I take them off in 30 minutes. Because who wants their insides squashed by super tight elastic? NO ONE. Bring on the cellulite. Bring on the back fat. A misogynistic jerkwad invented Spanx and I refuse to ever give that jerkwad a penny of my money ever again.

2. Control Top pantyhose. 

They're like Spanx with feets. Somebody kill me. And yes, my hot pink tights have control top. Which annoys me. But I stretched them out this morning before putting them on and am hoping if I wear them long enough they will cease to control my top. MY TOP WANTS TO BE FREE.

As a side note, today I drank two large cups of coffee. My hands and eyeballs are shaking.

The. End.