Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This Post Probably Explains Why I Don't Have a Boyfriend

The other day at lunch my Soul Twin, my Biscuit, my Brooke and I were discussing certain traits in men that I find unbearable. 

They are, oh surprise, many. 

*Please note, not all of these are direct experiences. 

Things Deb Loves presents...

The Dealbreakers Post!!

 If a man claims Catcher in the Rye is still one of his favorite books, that's a dealbreaker.

Look, I LOVED Catcher in the Rye. IN HIGH SCHOOL. But if a coming of age novel is still one of his favorite books, it means he thinks his white, suburban upbringing was sooooo hard and that he is a special, special snowflake (trademark, Katie Maloney), who no one will ever understand. It means he is, in short, STILL COMING OF AGE. 

Dude. You're 30. Get over it.

If the movie Garden State is one of his favorite movies, that's a dealbreaker.

I immediately start to distrust a man if I see he owns this movie. I get it, growing up rich and white and able to loaf around in your parents house into your late 20s, and overly medicate yourself with prescription drugs and marijuana until a tiny, boisterous, 20 something girl comes along and saves you from yourself, sounds like the hardest thing in the world. 

Oh, wait. It doesn't. Get a job.

If a man wears ratty hoodies on dates 1-5, that's a dealbreaker.

I dress up to go to dinner with my girlfriends. Now granted I actually take pride in my appearance, and I don't expect that of every man, but the fact that some men can't even be bothered to put on a collared shirt to go to dinner with a lady is ludicrous. Are we supposed to be impressed by your overtly non-nonchalant attitude as exhibited by your holey sweatshirt and crappy, worn jeans? 

Well, we're not. If I wanted to date a man who looks homeless I would date a homeless man. I've gotten proposed to by many of them already.

If a man tells you he's hopelessly in love with another woman before he tries to sleep with you, that's a dealbreaker.

The only way this is charming is if you are Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother. And then it's only charming because it's NPH. Are you NPH, man who did this to me? Oh, wait. YOU AREN'T. As a side note, before this happened, this same man tried to make out with me by a dumpster. 

Spoiler: I still slept with him. Because 2 years ago I had no self-respect.

If a man doesn't use proper grammar in or proofread emails (as evidenced by excessive typos), that's a dealbreaker.

This indicates two things: 
 1) He graduated from some learning institution without being able to compose a proper sentence, in which case I question the legitimacy of said "education."
2) He is lazy.
The reason we have email is so we can proofread messages before we send them. I don't expect everyone to proofread text messages, mostly because "damn you, autocorrect" is the best website ever, but don't send me something you haven't read over after writing. 
Also, unless you are using a non-smartphone, "u" is never an appropriate abbreviation for "you." 
Do you have a Qwerty keyboard on your iPhone?
Type it out, Ass.

If a man wears pants tight enough to wonder where his penis goes, that's a dealbreaker.

If his pants are that tight, his penis can't be that big. Act accordingly.

1 comment:

  1. Even the tiny lint specs on my dress today are applauding you.