So I am going to Florida in three days for my grandpa's 80th birthday party and a small family reunion, and all of you who talk with me on a semi-regular basis know this is a bit of a big deal because the whole family is worried about being judged by everyone else. It's a little ridic. Then, while talking with my brother on Sunday about my family's various fears, Allan mentioned my mom had complained (somewhat jokingly I can only assume) about how she has nothing to brag about because Allan and I aren't married and don't have children or important careers. This got me feeling (really what doesn't).
I suppose if you were to look at my life from outside (right where you might be sitting) I suppose my life could look unenviable. I am almost 30 and unmarried. I am not even in a relationship. I work at an administrative job that I plan to someday leave, but haven't yet decided for what. I rent. I live with a roommate (albeit an awesome one). I don't own a car. I'm fat. I have a lot of debt. I cry all the time. I have panic attacks cause the world is so sad. To be honest sometimes when I look at other people's lives, I too think mine looks unenviable.
Well, sort of.
Well, sort of.
It's strange how I only thought now that my mother wouldn't have anything about which to brag. Because when I think of my life, I feel proud. And there are things I want, but today, walking my bike down the road in the sunshine with Elizabeth, shooting the shit and sweating profusely... well, I think that's a pretty good life there. And maybe I don't technically have a physical thing or person or job about which my mom can brag, but I do have quite a bit of joy that I have worked very hard to obtain. And maybe that doesn't sound like a lot to people who have spouses and children and cars and houses, but here, inside myself, it is an overflowing cup of awesome.
You have a smile and fabulous curly hair that I will never forget, so I think you should be proud of that!
ReplyDeleteDeb, you're one of the most grounded, happiest people I know. Most people aren't. Most people spend their lives hunting for something. They talk about wanting to "find myself" but when you ask them what they mean, they can't really explain it--they don't know. They can't put their finger on it, cause its so intangible. Call it the Jedi Life Force. :) You've got it. You show your feelings without qualms. You laugh, you cry (as you said), you sing, you dance, you get sad....And you're honest about it. Think about it: who else has the courage to say they get anxious because there's so much pain and sadness in the world. Most people toddle along in their lives and they couldn't give two s****s about their neighbour. My personal belief is that this world is all topsy-turvy. I think many people would give their eye teeth to be as full of joy and life as you are, instead of just toiling along numbly. Its amazing that you are as you are....and FYI those of us that know you and count you as friends...brag about it to friends at yoga studios in countries on the other side of the planet!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome! Also, everything seconded to what Fabs said. And thirdly, on an economic note, rent is actually safer than buying homes at this point. Plus, since you are trying to figure out whats next, renting gives that freedom to just pick up and move, to get that villa in Tuscany, or Greece or....somewhere. You know what makes you happy. That's the best life!
ReplyDeleteI envy you all the time! ALL. THE. TIME.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I know: what's really important in life is everything you can't physically see. Things like loyalty, courage, optimism, and of course, love. And, my dear, you have those things in spades. The qualities of your friendships and the values in your soul are much more important than any material quantifier, and you have the best friendships and the best soul of anybody I know. That's why I envy you. And we're ALL proud of you, whether we say it or not.